Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Fishtown: FNA

Freebasing Neighborhood Assets
Investors and Realtors Meeting

"I want to thank all in attendance for coming out this evening." "Before we get started, I'd want you all to rise for the Fishtown neighborhood athemn."

Oh say did you see those new properties
How we brought about change, time for Eminent Domain
All our zoning goes well. How it pays to be swell.
With a port and garage, street parking is clogged
How the realitors rejoice, they will leave you no choice
Gives proof to the fact that the deck has been stacked
So hurray for we stamp out blue collar seepage
Now there's more just for me and so what me worry.

"This'll be a short meeting just to pass out a list of suggestions to improve the neighborhood." "We'll have an open discussion and later vote on these suggestions at the next meeting or so." "So study them, write down your thoughts and well, just be prepared." "I'll read out the topics and later you can read the details."

Improving Fishtown

1. Secede from Kensington and establish a new zip code.
2. Re-introduce a spelling change from "Fishtown" to "Fishtowne." "I know, I know." "The spelling changed once in the past but that was very short lived." "People didn't like it but this could happen as part of the succession action." "All we have to do is drum up talk of increased property values." "It gets them all the time."
3. Create a "de facto" income requierment. "Keeping up with your friends and  neighbor is a bigger factor than ever before around here." "It will also force out more of the undesirables as their property taxes skyrocket." "It's amazing, the duh moments, when one of us say, "I  just don't see any down-side to gentrification."
4. Criminal background checks for all new potential residents. "I'm pretty sure we can get away with this."
5. Expulsion of any resident with a criminal record or even an arrest. "Well..., anyway it's a thought." 
6. Penn Treaty Park Estate. "We can build a very exclusive gated community on the Phialdelphia Electric site." "You all know the route: Eminent Domain." "Build it and they will come." "Advertise it as "green." "How many  people do you think knows what that means?" "There's no enforced set of standards that can't be gotten around"
7. Low income housing. "Oh yea!" "Lucky seven." "You know City Hall and other agitators will bring some legal action or try to bring in the Feds." "By the time it runs through the courts all large land tracts will be gone." "Let 'um build them in East Kensington." "You know, were the factories and future burned down factories are."

"Hey, they can't build them fast enough on Front Street."

"They're practically under the El." "Future Section 8." "This leads into..."
8. Safety Net: Section 8 Housing and How it Works. "Right behind the old eight ball is a small but steady pot of gold." "Some of you might not know or forgot that this was a safety net when new house sales slumped on Marlborough and Crease Street some years ago." 
"Oh yea, check the web site because we'll have a guest speaker soon." "It's the guy who sold  hundreds of those flimsy lamp post people put up in front of their houses." "The numbers will stagger you as to how many sold and how few remain." "It'll be a time to think creative to come up with a new fad." "Look at all those fish address signs." "It could be a oppourtunity to make a few extra bucks." "It will make your house more attractive and increase the property value." "Oh it true that some of you creative salesmen advertised that condo as across the street from a park?" "Well!" "Come on, come on did you really do that?" "Ah, silence is golden...yea, yea or a gold mine." "Hahaha...have a good night and see you at the next meeting."

lampoonary and photos by roman blazic


  1. You hit a number of points on the head. I remember the section8 on Crease street and think it could happen again. Burning down warehouses was big problem years ago. now they just say its the junkies. Things did get better around here now its time to slow down. I thought your anthem was right out of Mad magazine. street parking is clogged. a lampoon is a double edge sword. Keep it coming.

  2. You should mention the law suit over the Section 8. People paid 100k in the 70's for those houses and got you know what trouble for neighbors. It was a mess. I can see it happening again when the bubble burst. It'll be bigger mess when everyone starts losing equity they'll never see in the first place. I agree it needs to slow down or stop.

    1. The "you know what" better next time. I'm well aware that there were problems that came from one household. Other "you know what" were good folks.
      The law suit was settled after quit a bit of time. The buyers received a cash settlement. I seem to doubt if any such law suit could succeed now.
      The important factor is that our neighbors didn't pack up and run away. They didn't just buy a house they bought a home. Our hope is that our new neighbors also bought a home and not just a house. The culture here is changing and so it goes. Give and take works best. The old can be antagonistic and the new righteously arrogant. The common complaint of both, a shared element, is an attitude of condensation.

  3. Our Real Estate/Investment Company did an extensive internet investigation about Fishtown and you. My dad (the boss) read the link on (sharkfood #77) about the Courts of Fishtown that you wrote. It peaked his interest to read more if not all of your post. He likened this to the national lampoon magazine from years ago (before my time).
    This new post, one reader said, is a double edged sword. I understand what it's all about now. It makes me think aside from the humorous approach. It al goes hand-in hand.
    Your,, rounds out the picture, We can see why the two were reprinted in the newspaper. The Free Beer story and pictures should be a yearly event. Who doesn't like free beer.
    Dad said hello, We downloaded the pictures of the Courts. Fishtown is on the map.
    From LA. Yea, keep it coming.

  4. You allowed to write this blog. We do not allow trouble afraid in school. I learn English. This "double edge sword" your home is nice. Your not afraid think free. Your people are happy not all good you tell things. America allows you. Your home is good for people. We learn of your home think free agree not agree. Thank you. Goodbye

    1. You made me very happy to make the effort writing this. I'm not afraid to say "not all good" and "think free." You think free and risk trouble. We both take a challenge. You more than me. America can agree or disagree, understand or insult me. This is good. We are allowed to "think free" when we don't agree and not understand.
      My "double edge sword" is not to be mean. One side cuts; the other side laughs. My "home is nice" when I write some things that we like and don't like. A lampoon is my "double edge sword": two sides of the spirit.
      Peace and FREE BEER.

    2. I just re-read this and wondered if I was pranked. It's now January 28, 2014 and no one declared it as a prank. There are hundreds of reader from what we may call "closed societies" that read this blog. So I remain hopeful that "think free" is a universal endeavor and never a prank. Peace.

  5. You have effectively challenged the mind set of Fishtown. More people than ever are talking about slowing down new home construction and the over inflated value of real estate.