Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Fishtown's Pet Patrol

Armed and Dangerous Pet Patrol

Fishtown's Pet Patrol

(Sing to the tune of Spiderman)
Pet Patrol, Pet Patrol
Armed and dangerous on the troll
Stab a dog, shoot a cat
Fix a door, add a latch
Look out! Here comes the Pet Patrol

There was cause for celebration at the Pet Patrol bunker better known as “The Triangle.” The Pet Patrol Commandant, Luna Renee Reno, gathered everyone’s attention. “I’m happy to announce that the publisher of “The Book of Oxymoron’s: 2014 Edition”, has included our motto to it’s pages: “Just because we’re armed doesn’t mean we’re dangerous.” “This will show everyone in sector 19125 that we’re prepared and mean business.” A spontaneous cheer erupted from the patrol members but it was short lived. The dog whistle phone began to shriek its urgent signal.
“Yes citizen, Commandant Luna here.” “What!” “I don’t believe it.” “That’s the third time this happened from the same house.” “They were warned and now it’s time for action.” “We’ll take care of it.”
All eyes were on the Commandant. “Patrol members”, Luna addressed the group, “that women on Susquehanna Avenue continues to give glaring stares from her front window at dog walkers when they pass across her pavement.” “They even had bright pink poop bags attached to their leashes.”
Sgt Steep, the demolition expert, spoke up, “Ready for duty Commandant.” “Just say the word.” “I volunteer for this mission.”
Luna paused to devise the proper plan of action. She then spoke. “OK!” “This is the plan.” “Patrol member Nukcome get a high resolution cell phone camera ready.” Nukome is a failed art photographer but very handy with a camera. Patrol member Bette introduced him to this group after he served time in New Jersey for posting “up skirt” pictures.
“Patrol member Bette get your dog leashed up.” Bette’s weapon expertise is in handling a knife. She developed her skill filleting Tilapia as a career counselor in the New Jersey State Prison before moving to Fishtown were she now works at Penn Treaty High School as a career counselor.
“Sgt Steep, prepare a cat urine bomb.” Sgt Steep, with self appointed rank, re-defines the meaning of “loud and wrong” but also has some key lucid moments that convince others that he is warm and means well and he does. His expertise is blowing things out of proportion that is now put to a more practical use.
“All of you report back here as soon as your gear is ready.”
It only took the patrol members a few precious minutes to gather their gear and report back to the Commandant. Luna Renee led them into the war room to reveal the intricate plan of action to end this unbearable harassment toward pet lovers.
Commandant Luna stood before the action squad with an enlarged street map of the targeted destination. The map was clearly marked were all three squad members would take up their position to execute the plan with precision.
“The house location and the weather are in our favor”, said the Commandant. “Forward observers report that the offender lives just a few doors from the corner of Almond Street and that she has her front windows open for ventilation.”
“Patrol member Nukome, you position yourself at that corner.” “Just stand there and pretend that you’re reading and sending text messages.” “Hold the phone up high enough so you can see the others move into position.”
“Sgt Steep, arm the cat urine bomb for fifteen seconds.” Walk real close to the house and drop the bomb right under the front window near the steps in one motion; casually walk around the corner on Almond Street.” “Just keep walking, don’t look around, and head back to the bunker.”
“Bette, pace yourself.” “This is the most important part.” “The cat urine bomb will stink up the house in no time.” “Make sure to take a cat urine odor neutralizing breathing pill.” “Wait ten seconds and then move in with the dog.” “Use the hand signal command to have the dog sit in the middle of the pavement near the steps.” “The women will be angry when she comes outside.” “Make her think that the dog stopped to poop.” “This will make her furious but egg her on by softly telling her to go F%@! Herself.”
“Nukome, this is when you turn on the camera.” “Bette pretend that you’re being physically threatened if she comes down the steps.” “If she does, scream, “Stop hitting me”, and make it look that way and then…” “You know what to do.”
Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this episode of Pet Patrol.

Pet Patrol, Pet Patrol
Armed and dangerous on the troll
Stab a dog, shoot a cat
Draw some blood they’re no match
Watch out! Here comes the Pet Patrol.

story and photo by roman blazic_all rights reserved

1 comment:

  1. I now understand your humor. I found some "threads" (dog poop, dog attack on Almond St) that you "sewn" together to write this story. It is based upon what others wrote that are harsh in tone. I even reread the "Annoying Middle Class" episodes, espescially episode 3, and laughed out loud because I know people just like your characters. It took some time and now I appreciate that you greased the ground that these people walk on. Some day, hopefully, these people will get a sense of humor too.