Freebasing Neighborhood Assets
Investors and Realtors Meeting
"I want to thank all in attendance for coming out this evening." "Before we get started, I'd want you all to rise for the Fishtown neighborhood athemn."
Oh say did you see those new properties
How we brought about change, time for Eminent Domain
All our zoning goes well. How it pays to be swell.
With a port and garage, street parking is clogged
How the realitors rejoice, they will leave you no choice
Gives proof to the fact that the deck has been stacked
So hurray for we stamp out blue collar seepage
Now there's more just for me and so what me worry.
"This'll be a short meeting just to pass out a list of suggestions to improve the neighborhood." "We'll have an open discussion and later vote on these suggestions at the next meeting or so." "So study them, write down your thoughts and well, just be prepared." "I'll read out the topics and later you can read the details."
Improving Fishtown
1. Secede from Kensington and establish a new zip code.
2. Re-introduce a spelling change from "Fishtown" to "Fishtowne." "I know, I know." "The spelling changed once in the past but that was very short lived." "People didn't like it but this could happen as part of the succession action." "All we have to do is drum up talk of increased property values." "It gets them all the time."
3. Create a "de facto" income requierment. "Keeping up with your friends and neighbor is a bigger factor than ever before around here." "It will also force out more of the undesirables as their property taxes skyrocket." "It's amazing, the duh moments, when one of us say, "I just don't see any down-side to gentrification."
4. Criminal background checks for all new potential residents. "I'm pretty sure we can get away with this."
5. Expulsion of any resident with a criminal record or even an arrest. "Well..., anyway it's a thought."
6. Penn Treaty Park Estate. "We can build a very exclusive gated community on the Phialdelphia Electric site." "You all know the route: Eminent Domain." "Build it and they will come." "Advertise it as "green." "How many people do you think knows what that means?" "There's no enforced set of standards that can't be gotten around"
7. Low income housing. "Oh yea!" "Lucky seven." "You know City Hall and other agitators will bring some legal action or try to bring in the Feds." "By the time it runs through the courts all large land tracts will be gone." "Let 'um build them in East Kensington." "You know, were the factories and future burned down factories are."
"Hey, they can't build them fast enough on Front Street."
"They're practically under the El." "Future Section 8." "This leads into..."
8. Safety Net: Section 8 Housing and How it Works. "Right behind the old eight ball is a small but steady pot of gold." "Some of you might not know or forgot that this was a safety net when new house sales slumped on Marlborough and Crease Street some years ago."
"Oh yea, check the web site because we'll have a guest speaker soon." "It's the guy who sold hundreds of those flimsy lamp post people put up in front of their houses." "The numbers will stagger you as to how many sold and how few remain." "It'll be a time to think creative to come up with a new fad." "Look at all those fish address signs." "It could be a oppourtunity to make a few extra bucks." "It will make your house more attractive and increase the property value." "Oh oh...is it true that some of you creative salesmen advertised that condo as across the street from a park?" "Well!" "Come on, come on did you really do that?" "Ah, silence is golden...yea, yea or a gold mine." "Hahaha...have a good night and see you at the next meeting."
lampoonary and photos by roman blazic
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